August 31, 2009

Oh how things change

So I've been thinking alot lately about something that I wanted to share here. The past year has been an extremly hard year on my family (to say the least). Without getting too personal, we have had to go through some things that no one should ever have to go through. And yet here we are, still trucking along and loving life despite the curveballs thrown. Anyway, I've been thinking about how things would have been different if I was still consumed by my eating disorder. Would I have made it through?
When I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I remember thinking that in order to get through anything in this world I needed my ED. In my mind, if ED was not there, I would fall apart at the first sign of adversity. If any troubles arose, I turned to ED. If I was facing something frieghtening or confusing, I wrapped my arms around ED and held on for dear life. And I knew that I could never recover because who knew what was around the corner waiting to pounce on me. All I really knew was I needed my ED. It was my only way through the mud and the muck of life.
So fast forward to present day. What I've been thinking about lately is there is no way I would have made it through this past year WITH my eating disorder. Completely opposite of how it used to be, I know. Yes, there were many days this past year I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day without falling apart. And there were many days I did fall apart. But because I didn't have my ED to "help" me, I was actually able to put myself back together again at the end of the day. Well, that is with the help of my friends and family. See, what got me through was the strength I had found inside when my ED got out of the way. And the relationships I had made now that ED wasn't blocking those from forming. What got me through were the many, many days I would just sob, either by myself or with someone next to me. That strength of tears would never have been possible when ED controled my emotions. Feeling the pains of life, actually letting out and experiencing every emotion that erupted from within paved my way down this road. Before my recovery, my eating disorder would have suppressed those emotions. I would have hid in my disorder and stuffed everything inside. But now I could let myself experience whatever it was that was happening that particular day. Experience it at that very moment, instead of much later, after it had been buried and forgotten.
OK. So I am not saying I'm glad that this past year was like it was. I'm just glad I didn't have my ED to "take care of me". Cause now I have me to do that, and the most wonderful friends in the world. And a husband I could only picture in my dreams. And they are my support system, my compass through whatever curveballs life throws my way. Now my emotional breakdowns fill me back up. Its like a release and a renewal all at once. Five years ago that would not have been possible. But without ED, anything is possible.
So something to think about. How would/ is your life (be) different without ED? How could you surprise yourself with the strength inside you?

May 27, 2009

Short quote to ponder

"If you could really accept that you're not ok,

you could stop proving that you are ok.

And if you could stop proving that you are ok,

you could get it that it's ok not to be ok.

And if you could get it that it is ok not to be ok,

you could get that you are ok the way you are.

You're ok, get it?"

I first heard this quote over 10 years ago, but recently came across it again. It made me think about how often in life I try or have tried to be "ok" by someone else's standards. How much energy have I wasted trying to make myself something I am not just so this person or that person will think better of me. Just so this person will like me, or that person will be my friend. I think there are alot of people out there who spend their life trying to prove that they are ok. Trying to manipulate themselves in someway, whether it be physically, emotionally, or related to their personality. We play God by transforming ourselves to fit someone else's mold. But why? Why do we try so hard to be ok by someone else's standards when most likely, that very person is trying to manipulate themselves as well to be ok by yet another person's standards. Why do we trust others opinions more than our own. Why is it so important that others think we are "ok" even if we loose sense of who we are. And if we do loose sense of who we are, are we really ok anyway?

So here is what I propose. Be ok by your standards. Mess up. Do things wrong. Laugh at yourself cause sometimes you sound a little out of it. And stop trying so hard to be ok. Me, I'm ok. I'm perfectly ok. Even though the dishes don't get done sometimes. (And my husband may even say more than sometimes!) Even though I don't understand most jokes. And most of the time my mouth keeps moving and before I can stop it I've talked my way into wierd conversations I never meant to start. But when everyone laughs, I join in. Why? Cause I have to say, its pretty funny. Embarrasing funny, but funny none the less. "You have to laugh at yourself, cause you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't" -Indigo Girls
Be ok cause you're you. Be ok cause who really knows what ok is anyway. Be ok cause you don't have to be ok. You just have to be you. And being you is more than ok. Being you is extrordinary.

February 18, 2009


It has been a long time since I have posted. My family went through alot last year and I needed to take a break to focus on us. But over that time I realized alot about life and would like to share one of those realizations with you now.
For a long time I wanted to do life by myself. I figured I could take care of everything I needed, I could survive alone. I didn't need anyone. Well, needless to say, that did not work well. And what I discovered even more this past year is that we all need people around us to help support us and to help support them at different points in our lives.
I have been blessed with 4 wonderful friends who came into my life a little over a year ago. Actually, they are more like sisters than friends, even though there is no blood relation between us. And what I have learned is that life is so much more fulfilling and eventful when you have people to share it with. And not just your family.
Girls, this is for you. We need girlfriends in our lives. More than we could ever realize. We need "sisters" to laugh with, cry with, and just be completely ridiculous with! There is an intimacy that can only be found in the friendship of women. A knowledge that there is someone there for you at all hours- just a phone call away. That is what I have found and encourage all of you to find as well.
I don't think it matters how many or how few. But life seems a little lighter, no matter what you are carrying, when you know you have a "sister" beside you holding your hand. I think life with an eating disorder can be a lonely one. And sometimes starting down the road to recovery can be scary when you look around and you're not quite sure who will walk with you the whole way.
So here's what I'm proposing. Find a girlfriend, a "sister", a beautiful soul of a woman who you can embrace and allow to embrace you. Sure, you might not be best friends after one day, but keep nurturing that relationship. Find someone you look up to, someone who inspires you to be a better you. Find someone who will push you on, keep you accountable, someone you feel comfortable sharing yourself with. And what you might find is that you can be that person for her as well. And it is in that give and take, that exchange of support and love, that you find life a little brighter, no matter how many storms come your way.

May 14, 2008

Freedom verses Free Will

So, I wanted to apologize for the absence. Here I just started this blog and then abandoned it for a month. But I have a very good excuse- actually an exciting excuse. I am pregnant! Unfortunately, that has also meant I have been very sick all day with "morning sickness". One of these days someone will have to explain why they call it morning sickness if it lasts all day! Anyway, that's the big news around here.
I wanted to take a minute to leave you with something to think about as well. I've been thinking alot lately about freedom and free will and the difference between the two. I have free will to do whatever I want to. I could drive across the country tonight if I chose to, and abandoned all my responsibilities at home. That's free will. The ability to do whatever I want at any time. But what about freedom? Is that the same thing? I would say no. Freedom is not being enslaved by anything. It's making choices that are going to be life-giving, not life-taking. Sure, I have free will to get in my car and leave if I wanted to, and some people would say that is freedom- being on the open road, the wind in my hair. But there will be consequences to that choice. I"m assuming my husband would be very upset, and there would be consequences I would have to deal with that would not be enjoyable.
Now relating this to EDs. Sure, we all have the free will to actively participate in our EDs if we wanted. But that is not the same thing as freedom. Cause I was not free when I was in my ED. I was a slave. Sure, I was using free will, but not freedom. Freedom is a responsibility. My freedom came with me making the choice that I can't always do what i want to because it is not always a life-giving choice. I mean, was I really free when I so involved in my ED that I missed out on life? Is that freedom? No.
So think about the choices you are making. And not just concerning EDs. Are you truly free, or are you just exercising free will in an enslaving way?

March 13, 2008

I Am Not My Eating Disorder

I think this thought is something that I've struggled with in one way or another throughout my pre-recovery/recovery life. While I was still in the middle of my eating disorder, I worried that my eating disorder was all there was to me. Literally, I was my eating disorder. We couldn't exist without one another. I just figured that if I let go of my ED, then I would disappear. There would be nothing left of me.

I have found out that is most defiantly NOT true! I guess in a way, being engulfed in my ED was like I was my ED only to the extent that I didn't let anything or anyone else in my life. I didn't have substantial relationships. I didn't really participate in any activities for fun. Life was me and ED. But what I discovered is that by letting go of my ED, I wasn't erasing me from existence, but rather opening the door to the world. By clearing away the space that my ED once filled, there was a ton of empty space that could now be filled with life- every crazy thing and person life has to offer. There was room to create loving and life-building relationships with people- real people. There was room to try new things, figure out what I really like to do, and then do it. I was like a kid in a candy store faced with all these choices. I could do anything. I still can. I have this list of things that I want to do before I die. Some examples: get published, record a CD, travel to Europe with my hubby, etc. And I have my whole life to do them. Some of them may be Big dreams, but hey, that;s what dreams are for. If you dream, you might as well dream BIG. And if you dream BIG, you might as well not stop until you make it happen. Cause anything's possible.

OK. But back to the topic. There is another way that I am still dealing with this thought of me being my ED even today. But this is not from my brain, but from others. There are a few people in my life who I don't have the greatest relationship with, but we make it work. Anyway, they still look at me as my ED. They are just waiting for my next slip up, my downward spiral. Even though I've been doing great for over 2 years now, they still think I'm struggling. It used to drive me crazy. I used to want to try to convince them that I really am doing well. But then I realized something. No amount of talking is going to convince them otherwise. And if every time they look at me, they want to see an ED, then that's there problem. All I can do is take care of me. And be strong in the fact that I am not nor ever was my ED. I am me. And Me is made up of so many different things- all of which are beautiful simply because they are a part of me.
So no, I am not my Eating Disorder. I never was. And if people still need to look at me that way, that's fine if that's what they need. As long as I know the truth, and the people who support and care about me know the truth, that's all that matters.
So know this: You are not your eating disorder. And if you haven't found it yet, there is a whole world just waiting to be discovered by you. And always remember- dream big!