I Am Not My Eating Disorder

I think this thought is something that I've struggled with in one way or another throughout my pre-recovery/recovery life. While I was still in the middle of my eating disorder, I worried that my eating disorder was all there was to me. Literally, I was my eating disorder. We couldn't exist without one another. I just figured that if I let go of my ED, then I would disappear. There would be nothing left of me.

I have found out that is most defiantly NOT true! I guess in a way, being engulfed in my ED was like I was my ED only to the extent that I didn't let anything or anyone else in my life. I didn't have substantial relationships. I didn't really participate in any activities for fun. Life was me and ED. But what I discovered is that by letting go of my ED, I wasn't erasing me from existence, but rather opening the door to the world. By clearing away the space that my ED once filled, there was a ton of empty space that could now be filled with life- every crazy thing and person life has to offer. There was room to create loving and life-building relationships with people- real people. There was room to try new things, figure out what I really like to do, and then do it. I was like a kid in a candy store faced with all these choices. I could do anything. I still can. I have this list of things that I want to do before I die. Some examples: get published, record a CD, travel to Europe with my hubby, etc. And I have my whole life to do them. Some of them may be Big dreams, but hey, that;s what dreams are for. If you dream, you might as well dream BIG. And if you dream BIG, you might as well not stop until you make it happen. Cause anything's possible.

OK. But back to the topic. There is another way that I am still dealing with this thought of me being my ED even today. But this is not from my brain, but from others. There are a few people in my life who I don't have the greatest relationship with, but we make it work. Anyway, they still look at me as my ED. They are just waiting for my next slip up, my downward spiral. Even though I've been doing great for over 2 years now, they still think I'm struggling. It used to drive me crazy. I used to want to try to convince them that I really am doing well. But then I realized something. No amount of talking is going to convince them otherwise. And if every time they look at me, they want to see an ED, then that's there problem. All I can do is take care of me. And be strong in the fact that I am not nor ever was my ED. I am me. And Me is made up of so many different things- all of which are beautiful simply because they are a part of me.
So no, I am not my Eating Disorder. I never was. And if people still need to look at me that way, that's fine if that's what they need. As long as I know the truth, and the people who support and care about me know the truth, that's all that matters.
So know this: You are not your eating disorder. And if you haven't found it yet, there is a whole world just waiting to be discovered by you. And always remember- dream big!